Australian Idol: Top 4 - Noughties

Andrew G reveals that, had Toby not departed, James would have been eliminated this week. All I can say to that is: phew. James is one of the few things keeping me in the show.

Meanwhile, the weeping judges praise Toby the Australian Hero for his noble decision to quit a televised singing contest. Such bravery! I'm getting a little sniffly myself.

Get the full story on Toby's departure at TVFIX.

Anyway. Tonight's guest judges and mentors are Benji and Joel Madden from Good Charlotte, presiding over this Noughties-themed episode. (After 10 years, I still reckon "Noughties" is the dumbest decade name ever.) Joel and Benji are identical(-ish) twins who both have hats and tats, so it's likely that at some point in this recap I will mix them up. Deal with it.

Nathan, 'Closer'
Nathan dedicates this performance to Toby the Australian Hero, which is a bit of a burn given it's such a bad song choice. Pitchiness runs rampant — the kid's voice never quite sits on the notes. Dicko declares it "a slice of pop genius that's out of [Nathan's] depth", which I agree with even though it's a mixed metaphor. Marcia, who's wearing absurb pigtails, dubs it "dynamite", while Joe reckons Nathan "brought the sexy".

Before the next performance there is a ridiculously dull segment recapping some guy who won some Idol competition. Thank god I have a DVR so I can fast-forward through padding BS like this.

James, 'Daughters'
It makes me sick James could have gone home tonight, because he is the best one left: great song, great performance. The only downside are the hideously lame back-up singers. Marcia thinks James might be a bit young to pull off that song, while JD agrees that he didn't care for the song choice. (Then again, trying to please JD is like trying to make ice on the sun.) Benji adds that James has "a lot of potential".

Stan, 'Let Me Love You'
It's a great song for him, though it's not my cup of tea. Stan actually does look kind of out of breath singing it, so maybe he really should heed JD's advice about getting on a treadmill. Speaking of JD: he loved it, though as always he has problems with it. Joel and Benji are both enamoured with Stan, for some reason, though Dicko reckons it was a performance more suited to a daggy disco and accuses Stan of "treading water".

Hayley, 'Heavy Cross'
I saw Hayley in the flesh last week. She's surprisingly tall. Anyway, I really really want to love this performance (when James is inevitably eliminated next week, she will become my new favourite), but it's missing something — maybe you have to be a fat lesbian to make it work. Joel can't believe Hayley is only 17, but Dicko doesn't think she engaged with the song: "It's like Beth Ditto's undies," he says, "a bit big for you." HA! JD makes a valid point about Hayley's hand, which she always holds up in a weird stiff claw while she's singing, though a surprisingly harsh Marcia warns him not to bring that up. I guess because teen girls are sensitive about their hand-claws?

Nathan, 'Red'
This is the second week in a row Nathan has pulled out two mediocre performances — frankly, I'm not feeling it, even though Nathan is literally tearing up by the end. Lame. (Also, he's wearing a T-shirt and cardigan combo that makes him look totally pudgy, which isn't helping.) Benji liked it better than Nathan's first performance, which isn't much of a compliment, while Dicko reckons Nathan is overextending his voice. JD adds some valid points, but he is so relentlessly critical that I can't really take him seriously as a judge. (And yes, I realise that me accusing someone of relentless criticism is pot, kettle, and all that. Shut up.)

In between performances we're offered a sneak peek at Avatar, because an upcoming sci-fi blockbuster has so much in common with Australian Idol.

James, 'This Is How A Heart Breaks'
I think I have to be realistic and prepare for James's elimination next week. Sigh. He's really great here, though I do see what the judges mean when they point out how young he is — sometimes James's very boyish look does almost work against him. Dicko thinks James did a great job at pulling off such a well-known song, while JD enjoyed it but thinks the boy is yet to bring the house down.

Stan, 'The Climb'
Kudos to Stan for such an unusual song choice. Ultimately, though, it's merely good, and not great. Stan starts off the song in his mumble low register — he sounds like Homer Simpson, which isn't a good thing, and I feel like we've seen him do this type of emotive power-ballad so many times that it's lost its impact. Marcia says she's "lost for words", but then describes it as "sublime". JD says he has "nothing to say but 'sensational'", and then blathers on for several more minutes. Proof that the judges really don't listen to the stuff that comes out of their mouths.

Hayley, 'I Don't Care'
Not sure about the song choice, but Hayley does a rockin' job with it. There are some bits where she's a bit stiff, but she's young and she's awesome, so I forgive her for it. For once JD has nothing negative to say, only dropping in a joke criticism that she didn't crowd-surf. Joel reckons that Fall Out Boy would be happy with Hayley's rendition of her song, while Benji adds that she "killed it". Marcia praises Hayley for managing to make it all the way through the show even though Toby quit at the start. Huh? Someone leaves Idol every week. Is Toby's departure really that different to a regular elimination?

Proving that whoever is running Idol is a bonehead, the show ends with an acoustic performance from Good Charlotte of their song 'Dance Floor Anthem'. The end of a bloated two-hour show is not, in my mind, the best time for a celebrity performance.

My picks: Hate to say it, but I reckon James is outta here next time.