The very last episode (yay!) begins with a choir comprised of people I've never seen before and therefore don't care about. They're surrounding by screaming attendees, who I feel sorry for for two reasons. First, way to waste an evening. Second, it's BLOODY HOT in Sydney right now. I hope they're all wearing deodorant.
The choir leads into the top 12's performance of 'Don't Stop Me Now', a tune that makes me think of Shaun of the Dead. Too bad there's no ravenous zombie hoards present. Aww, look, there's Casey. And Sabrina and her over-trained voice. And Dreamy Tim and Pretty Kim. And Kate! It's Scott and his currant eyes, and quitter Toby, and chubby Nathan. And James, my favourite!
The final two, Stan and Hayley, emerge to finish off the song. I hafta admit: judged on voice alone, Stan deserves to win. Chatting to Andrew G after the performance, he declares the finale is "sew wucked". Gotta love Kiwi accents. Or not.
The judges are allowed a few seconds to speak, even though they literally have no purpose anymore, before Michael Buble struts out singing 'Feeling Good'. He's joined by Stan singing in his absurd lower register, which always makes him sound like he's cruelly imitating special people and Hayley, whose voice has an interesting timbre to it.
Then, for some reason, a woolly homeless man is allowed onstage, and hey, wait a minute! That's Wes Carr, the guy who won in 2008, performing 'Beat It' with Cold Chisel rocker Ian Moss. Andrew G, who needs to be a hilarious bitch more often, snipes at Wes about playing at the Rooty Hill RSL the previous night. MEGA BURN!
Then it's time for the next stage in this bloatarama: the top 12's girls shout-sing their version of 'When Loves Take Over'. Hey, remember Ashleigh Toole? Me neither. Though I do remember how much I loathe Sabrina. Ugh. Afterwards there's a montage of all the celebs who've mentored the contestants this season, which makes me wish wish wish that Liza Minelli will be a full-time judge next year. If not her, then at least Suzi Quatro. Either of them can replace JD and I'll be happy.
Actual pop star Mika is allowed to perform. He does two songs, and between them there's this embarrassingly staged bit where "fans" in the crowd "spontaneously" demand that he do 'We Are Golden'. He obliges, accompanied by the episode's first round of fireworks. Gosh, it sure is lucky there just happened to be cameras and microphones to capture those spontaneous fans, right?
Andrew G announces that the finale is sponsored by an anti-binge drinking campaign (ironic, given that I need several stiff drinks to ensure this), then introduces the next performance by Ricki-Lee. She does a song from the deodorant commercial that's been playing all season, which I've only just realised is her actual song. Oops. Ricki is reminding me of Britney Spears's concert, which is not a compliment.
Since the top 12's girls got a turn, it's only fair that the boys also get a go. They're singing something by Snow Patrol, which: most boring song choice in the world. I forgot Casey existed till now, and will likely forget about him again in about two seconds. Tim is still mega-dreamy (someone give him a job as an underwear model, stat!), while Scott's arm is in plaster for some reason.
Andrew G says that voting has now closed. Unfortunately, this is not a sign that the show is about to end. There's still eight more hours to go. At least the next bit is a performance by the original (and still the best) Idol, Guy Sebastian, who sings a duet with Jordin Sparks. Only not, since she has appendicitis and couldn't make it to Australia, so instead Guy's singing a duet with a video clip of her. Which is actually kinda neat.
More fireworks. (Sydney Harbour is so beeyootiful.) More Buble. More fireworks.
The next half-hour of the show is devoted to lengthy recaps of Hayley's and Stan's "journeys" in Australian Idol. Since I'm nowhere near as cruel as the Idol producers, I'll spare you the bloated details. Suffice to say that Hayley sings 'Funhouse' and Stan sings 'It's a Man's World' it would've been nice if they'd actually sung something new, but it's not to be. Stan tells us that he feels "blissed".
Then, finally, it's the moment we've all been waiting for: the winner is announced. (Actually the moment I've been waiting for is the end credits. But this will do for now.) The judges offer their final useless words. There are pre-recorded messages from all the mentors. Then, Andrew G reveals that the winner is...
Shrug. Good for him. Looking genuinely stunned, he thanks God and "Noo Zellund". Then he sings 'Black Box', and once again I wish he had a better winners' single. There's around round of fireworks, and then... and then... and then...
THE END CREDITS IDOL IS OVER YAAAAAY!
So. The big question: will Stan last? I'm going to say yes, because history tells us that male Idol winners always do better than the females (see: Casey Donovan, Kate DeAraugo, Natalie Gauci. Who? Exactly). Unlikely best case scenario: Stan's best mate Michael Buble will help his career. Probable best case scenario: the kid will wind up at Rooty Hill RSL.
Did Stan deserve to win? Will he have a career? Sound off in the comments!